Being a student again

When I read the suggested topics for this week's post it really made me think about how amazing it is that I'm here. Last February, after being unemployed for 6 months and getting little to no response from employers I'd sent my resume to, I tried to think of ways I could improve my chances of getting a job. Then I thought, "I don't want another job; I want a career, a profession, something that gives me a 'home'." So I was thinking and surfing the net when I thought about going back to school and finally getting at least an associates degree. I sent off a couple of inquiry forms and next thing I know my phone is ringing. This wonderful, persistent and positive person was on the other end telling me about Kaplan. Two weeks later I started my first term. I am happy that I am on this journey, but it is scary at times. My self-confidence has never been very good and I have significant periods when I don't believe in myself. I am 47 years old and am pretty lucky to have made it this far. I have had several suicide attempts over the years with the first being when I was about 14 or 15 and my last in 2001. I came within a few minutes of being successful with that one. I had a great career, but I was far away from my family and hadn't made any real friends. And I had, once again, stopped taking my antidepressants because I didn't think I needed them any longer. By the time I went back to a doctor, the slide downward had gained so much momentum that nothing was going to stop it, short of death. At least that is what I thought, but anyone who has this disease knows that you can never really trust what you think when the depression is controlling things.

Anyhow, I rambled. I still have doubts. Going back to school is tough and I often question whether or not I should just give this up and go work a couple of meaningless jobs. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE school. I feel more alive than I have in a long time. Part of me is impatient, wanting to work in HIM right now. The other part questions my ability to contribute something of significance to the field. And then there is always the upcoming job hunt. But I'll save my thoughts about that for another time.........